sad bad?

The amount of reactions that there are to different levels of sadness, are amazing to me.  We all handle hardships and heartbreaks so differently.

A number of years ago, here’s how I handled it (now I’m talking low levels of stress and sad) .  Once in a while, I’d cry.  I’d get it out of my system, and I would IMMEDIATELY feel better, and look to tomorrow being another day.

I handled everything with a happy outlook, ask my friends.  The Jen of the past, always saw the bright side, always knew everything would be all right.

I don’t know what happened to her.  Or maybe I do and don’t want to admit it?

The Jen of the now, has such low tolerance.  Now, I am happy, I am.  I still am a strong shoulder to cry on for loved ones, I’m still always going to give the best part, the happy outcome, the hang in there, everything happens for a reason.

And yet, I admit, I myself am different.  Or probably not different, since I’m sure many many people feel the same way.   Yes yes yes, things happened in my life that threw me for a loop.  It’s true and I’m not crazy and in denial (maybe a little) but I do know it.

Somehow, for quite awhile, it seemed as though nothing was happy, nothing could be quite as good ever again.  There was a fear there that had never been there before.  The idea, that maybe, just maybe, everything was NOT going to be ok.  That everything was shit, and would continue to be shit, forever.  The hilarious part, is even when I was surrounded by goodness and love, I felt this.  It was unstoppable.

Now, to the present.  I have changed, it’s true.  That’s life, that happens and it’s only natural.  Reality is, I AM happy.  I am. I am. I am. I am.

The funny thing about it all, is that little things, are now big things.  A friend says something that stresses me out a little, inwardly (never ever ever outwardly) I am freaking out.  I am hurt, pissed, ready to have a mental breakdown and cry.

But what I’m really getting at about sad….

One of my oldest and dearest friends is writing.  The subject matter is very personal and from her heart.  She’s sent me parts in the last couple of days because she wants an opinion, a friendly honest voice she can trust.  I’ve read it, I am so proud of her.

It makes me sad.  I wanted to cry, she writes of a person I only met once or twice, she writes of herself.  It’s hard for me, and yet I love her for sharing it with me.

Today someone else wrote me with some news, I wasn’t exactly surprised by this news, but it made me sad.  Sad is the word of the day.

I try to bypass sad movies, sad books.  I try to surround myself with happy to keep my sanity.  And yet, the sad IS all around us.  It permeates everything, it is everywhere.  I’ve reached a point where enough tragedy and heartbreak has entered my life, that sometimes when my phone rings my stomach sinks.

Who is it ? What’s happened? My tolerance is so low, I expect the worst.

So how does crazy mental girl deal with this?  One word folks, denial  Yep, I admit it.  It has been my tool of choice.  But you know what?  I think when I was at my lowest, it saved me.  It kept me strong and oblivious to things until I was actually ready to deal with them, and take care of them.  Well, I suppose we are always learning the best ways to deal with stuff, to make the most out of a bad situation.  I’m learning, I’ve learned.

I know I know, I’m rambling.  But that’s where my heads been at today.  I used denial as a tool to handle hard times, I have found wonderful and amazing happy times since, but I can’t forget the downsides and the darkness.

Maybe we shouldn’t?  Maybe part of appreciating the wonderful and beautiful things life has to offer is also accepting that bad things happen in life, and we have to see them through?

Maybe I am still learning how to deal with stress?  Lord knows that’s true.

Maybe what I think is,  at the root of it all, is fear.  And if we could simply acknowledge fear is real, and there’s nothing we can do about it we could move past it?

Haha, probably not ok ok.  There’s always fear.  And there will always be things to be sad about, trust you will wish you hadn’t given, things will fall apart.

And as gloomy as this post sounds, the truth is, even after so much I have had to go through, and am yet to go through, I believe in happily ever after.

I never said I was realistic, did I?  But I’m hopeful, no matter what gets thrown at me,  I shall catch it and handle business.

Boy oh boy, being a grown is tough sometimes.

kisses,

Jen

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